Alhamdulillah I still got time and opportunity to post up something in this last day of 2014.
On December 30th ,nearly 2 days ago.. I received a very heartbreaking news.
It's 2 a.m and I'm still up to study for finals. my phone's battery nearly died out just before I heard bout the news. luckily, I 'save' it from dying out and charged the phone.
Later, I notice that I'd received whatsapp messages.
Slide down the screenlock, open whatsapp, messages from family's group.
Abah said "Insya Allah nok balik klate bapa mertua meninggal dunia baru sekejap tadi"
I stared at the wall. BLANK. I lost words.
Took my phone out from my room, and sat on the sofa in living room. My roommate gone to sleep early that night.
One by one, the memory of my grandfather came in mind.
I can't stop my tears. they really fall down. Like it will never stop.
I tried to hold on. But I can't. The memory still came. I can't chase them away.
Because it's the sweetest memory I'd had with my grandfather.
The last time I met him, the last time I kiss his hand, the last time I met his eyes.
was in Aidilfitr 2014. and I cried even more.
Few weeks before my study week start, I remember that I heard the news about my grandfather who was sick. My parents balik kampung to visit him, I really don't have holidays. I still remember about telling my roommate about my sick grandfather. And about how badly I want to fly to Kelantan to visit him. I remember telling my roommate about that. But I was too late. Too late to meet him and comfort him. I remember my mother called me and said that my grandfather was asking for me. That's making me badly want to meet him.
Then I was thinking. 'Allah, why You won't let me meet him for the last time'
And I was later taken aback, 'I shouldn't say that! O' Allah forgive me, astaghfirullah'
Later, more memories of him came..
Every time my family arrived at his house during Ramadhan and Aidilfitr, he will surely climb the coconut tree, and pick up coconuts. Because it was our favourite.
And I remember about him putting on medicine, antiseptic, minyak gamat, and all when I was hurt badly from motorcycle accident. I was in form 2 back then.
Later I remember the moments where we'll throw out mercun during malam raya and how my grandmother will start nags at us.
And during every Ramadhan, when we go shopping for our baju raya, my mother and I will feel very excited to buy baju raya for my grandparents too. We'll buy them with matched colour. Yes. And my mother really can't wait to bring them out of the luggage once we arrived his house. It's the first thing she would do. But it'll be no more.
The more I cried, the deeper the memories come hit me. One by one.
Oh, I thought. This is the feeling. My heart aches. A lot. It feels like bullets had hit it. Hard.
This is the feeling when you lost someone you really love.
Later that night, I text my father.
Only a word. "Abah.."
And my father replied, "Kakak sabar deh.."
"Abah kat mano ni?" "Abah kat KLIA doh" "Nok balik jugok.."
I know it's impossible. But I still ask to follow them fly back. I want to be by my grandfather's side for the very last time. I want to see his face. I want to kiss his forehead. I want. For the very last time.
But I can't. Allah..It's impossible cause I got an exam scheduled on 31st December.
That night, I cried my heart out until my tears stop and I can't really open my eyes. No, it didn't really stop. It didn't come out anymore. Because it's dried. Dried as my heart.
I can't sleep that night. Subh came, and I cried again. During Yaseen recitation, the tears came again. And I've been carried away with sadness until I fall asleep.
Thanks to my roommate, Atiqah for the very comforting notes she left before she heads for her exam.
And thanks to everyone. Do recite Al Fatihah for him. And for our families. Either they are still alive or not. Also, for the flood victims in Kelantan, Terengganu, Pahang. The families of MH 370, MH17, and QZ8501. Yes, challenges and difficulties makes us stronger. And it's time to remember what Allah had said in Quran for challenges that He gave us in Surah Al-Ankabut,verse 2 and Surah Al-Anbiya, verse 35. Qullu nafsin zaaiqatul maut. Setiap yang bernyawa akan merasai mati.
Allah, tempatkanlah tok che di kalangan orang yang beriman. Ameen Ya Rabbal 'Alamin. And I can't wait for my holiday, I want to hug my parents, my grandma, and to visit arwah tok che. Allahu..